No touch the moon

So my daughter will be 2 in a few weeks.  Yes, the baby is no longer a baby; this is a hard place for me to be.  Still with her shedding the scales of infancy she is experimenting with toddler hood, individuality and her own wonderful personality.  We hear a lot of mirroring from daycare (where I also work)....." No touch.....time out Gavin (poor Gavin)......no touch the window."  Obviously there has been a lot of NO TOUCH in the young 2's room.  It's part and parcel of toddlers I know.

Still the best part was when last week, there was a glorious full moon beaming down on us as we got home after a particularly late evening.  Hannah was tired and ornery, John was tired and pissy and Jake was eager to get back to whatever electronic device had his soul at that time,,....(prolly his DS).  To calm Hannah I pointed to the moon: round, fat and shiny and tinny.  

Hannah's response...."No touch the moon!"  It evoked a bemused smile from me but I say it here, especially in light of the last few weeks we've had in this country.

Oh sweet heart, yes you can,...yes you can touch the moon and don't let anyone tell you otherwise....its not that far and it's not going to break!

My big pity party

I have been amiss in my ramblings (about 4 months of amiss actually). I have been up to my eyes in effectively being a single parent and dealing with all the ramifications of therapies, doctor's appointments and medicaid hoops (some apparently are ringed with fire...I have scars to prove it). And all before I deal with the everyday parenting stuff. Hubby has been teaching nightschool, so for a while it was me the four walls and the kids (oh and the wee dog) until about 8:15pm....THEN swim season arrived! Now it's 10:30pm before hubby emerges from the abyss. About two hours too late to help me and by that point I'm happy in my singledom and am damned annoyed he has teh audacity to appear at all...I know I'm a shite wife.

Not trying to do the woe is me part hear but I can barely keep it together when everything is as it should be and then I get whammied with needing to find a job, (8 hours each day teaching 3 year olds.....oh and with a psychotic, micro manager of a boss). Hannah gets to come with me and for free, still after 8 hours of that then retreiving my own and having to play Autism roulette each evening (ie: which one will melt down/lose it/demand the impossible/poo in his underwear....actually the latter is easy, that'll be John sigh). Well, it's then me the four walls, a lot of deep breaths and the occasional wet, snotty bawl when all are finally in bed.

I love hubby, but this swim obsession (bee there since we met) is eating into me like ringworm. At first it's just a bit annoying and itchy, then it's downright irritating and finally I want to claw it out with a red hot butter knife (the steakknives are in the dishwasher...that btw: doesn't work).

OK, enough with the pity party, I need to get my ass in gear for yet anohter day with spolied upper middle class 3 year olds....and worst of all their spoiled upper middle class parents.

We appear to be surviving the gluten free experience.  Jake hasn't really noticed and even tried an entire kernel of corn today.  He had the brilliant notion if he forked it into his gf nugget and smothered it in ketchup he wouldn't spontaneously combust, and nope, not even a spark.  Baby steps and all-I hold onto the fire extinguisher just in case.

Hubby had become the bread czar and is faithfully slaving over loaf pans to "perfect" his various gf bread recipes.  I feel it may be a while before much is actually perfected, but I adore his dedication and commitment nevertheless.  

I am in a strange place these days.  I have been a sahm for 3 years now (right about when Jake was diagnosed with early onset bipolar later to be followed with ASD and adhd).  I used to be a teacher....5 years teaching private middle schoolers in suburban DC; an experience to say the least.  So I've been home with the kiddos these last few years and although it's not exactly been a picnic all the time I think my being home has gleaned more for the kids than if I had remained as a teacher full time.  

Well you've all see the economy and hubby is now all gung ho for me to return to work, and to placate his desires I actually applied to be a paraprofessional in the school system here.  In true form  to personal offices I have heard very little and have been told repeatedly by those in the know to expect a phonecall the day before school starts.  I have a deposit down for a great daycare, and John is starting Kindy. On paper it appears to be a great time to do this.  

Yes yes, reality bites, blah blah blah.  I do NOT want to go back yet.  I know I have explained time and again to hubby about the added extras I do that seem so trivial that can eat up an entire morning or afternoon (medicaid waivers, therapy appointments, insurance fights.)  How the hell do I get all these "incidentals" accomplished and be away from the house 8 hours a day; then add on commuting between two school and a day care to gather young uns up once my day is over.  btw: aftercare for Jake is a non starter.  I suspect hubby thinks my being distracted by anything other than autism, diets, medication, therapies is a good thing.  He is a sweet man who is a true to life science teacher and wants to "fix" my issues.  Not sure that adding more stress to my life will reach his desired effect though.  So here I leave you, in limbo; having done all I can do and hoping against hope no one calls me and come August 4th I will be jobless and happy.  I need one more year to get Jake and John through another academic year and another year with me angel girl.

Gf schmee f

Well, it appears we are attempting gfcf again. For those who aren't too familiar, gfcf is a gluten free/casein free diet.  Trust me it's hard enough going gf you add in the cf and it certainly feels like the proverbial cluster feck.

Why?  There truly is anecdotal evidence (and increasingly scientific too) that a gfcf diet can help ASD children in both behaviour and health.  Jake (8 is what they call a high functioning autistic, although I prefer to say, "This is my son Jake, he loves pirates and adventure books, he is a size 2 in shoes....oh and he has autism."  

Well we tried this blasted diet two years ago and me being me went all bipolar manic gung ho into it; poor Jake was thrown to the gfcf wolves cold turkey (which btw, not one to waste irony is also a gfcf food:). Obviously it didn't go well, if it had I wouldn't f'n well be here blogging about my failure otherwise.  This time we are going veeeeeery slowly.  A little at a time and if we have a hiccup (as today when cheese ended up on his burger) I do not self flagellate and wander around the house wearing sackcloth and shoving barbwire into my thigh, (I save that one for special occasions;)

We had been weaning casein for the last few weeks and started with gluten, but it was time to go to the next level and make the "TRIP!"  So we packed all three boogers into the van, drove to Trader Joes to pick up a few wee items it was time to get and guess what trader Joe's have bugger all!!!!  Oh sure there's the nod to gluten free living with two very shallow shelves of cereal and bread that could as easily be used as a decent weapon in a prison break, but other than that nada.  We were specifically looking for flour (rice, potato etc).  I did eventually after much rooting around gouda and some dodgy looking bluish-green curd unearth some soy cheese; triumphant in my treasure find I bounded out the door, certain I could make something from it.  'Course not; feckin' thing has casein in it.  Why the hell call it soy, act as if it's soy and then muck it up by throwing dairy back into it.  More fool the poor vegans out there, happily chowing down on their soy cheese and granola crackers 'cause you're not a vegan anymore....ha!!!!  So there's $7 worth of cheese laughing hysterically at me from the behind the little window of the fridge that ironically says dairy....sigh.  Ah sure, who wants gfcf pizza anyway!!?

Intros and exits

I have been ruminating whether to start a blog or not these last few months. I'm sure I am in essence just writing out the jiggles in my head, and as such this is more a digital diary than anything else. I have been raising my three children for 8 years now (8, 5 and 19 months) and as the older two float on the autism spectrum I suspect I may at times even have something to say; or perhaps I am waxing lyrical here. In this family we truly do live in pictures; children and adults on the spectrum are visual in nature. My oldest can become so involved in a movie or video game he can not separate himself from the visual world. My second son is not as passionate about a visual fantasy world, but he has to have visual cues, pictures and images to help transition.

My youngest daughter appears about as neurotypical as you can get; sleep is still optional and not always necessary, but she is the glue of the three and accepts her brothers unequivically. Of course this may change as she grows older but I sense she already has a deep impassioned bond with both boys (especially the 5 year old). Her compassion in one so young is breathtaking and awe inspiring.

Then there's me: 33, at home mother (something I never thought I would be able for, and there are many days I truly believe I am not cut out for this special needs Mom thing.) I once had a dream I would make films, write delicate tales from the heart, but lately my limitattions seem to reachthe creative prowess of organising a shopping list. Perhaps this blog will help unearth some of that craetivity.....hmm obviously not today.