Dropping in for some Thomas tea

Anyone who knows anything about autism knows that fixations and obsessions are part and parcel of the lifestyle.  Both boys have had a slew of obsessions over the years.  Now I don't mean they are "into" a superhero for a few weeks/months, I mean Jake has had a long winded love affair with all things Star Wars for a good four years now and John still has a fondness for power rangers (well, lining them up in complicated floor art more likely; don't snigger I have pictures).  

So, they have their big obsessions but there is still room for mini fixations.  Think of it like the best friend that is always over to play, but the mini interests are distant cousins that only pop over for tea from time to time but when they are there the boys are equally enthused with them.  Jake's first "interest" was as with 90% of ASD's Thomas the Tank Engine.  I do not know what spell that flippin' train can cast over spectrum kids, but he's like crack to them.  Once they get the first hit....forget it.

Jake was a Thomas nut until Star Wars entered his life Christmas day 2004 in the form of the original trilogy (which actually was a gift to me, but try telling that to Jake at the time).  Thomas slowly dissolved and had to concede to Luke and Han.  So, please tell me now why four years later Jake is once again wandering around the house with a bag of his old Thomas trains and is watching the movie repeatedly???  Why the sudden peaked interest?  Where the hell have Luke and Jabba the Hut fucked off to, and why oh why did I keep those trains in that box for the last four years.  

Oh yes, because I KNEW this day was coming when his old friend would pop over for tea, just took him four years to get here; well best put the kettle on, might be a short stay...maybe?!!.

Bring on the clowns

Hubby and I realised the last time we were ever able to go anywhere as a family it was probably McDonalds as with a child who is gluten free (as a second heading that way...'nother post though), there are precious few outings we can safely find.  We've hiked ourselves to death all over suburban Atlanta and there are only so many other activities you can all share with an 8, 5 and 2 year old.  So, when the chance of dirt cheap tickets to the circus popped up I dove at the chance (actually it was more a mudslide that knocked the little old lady out of the line...ok, not really, but you'd have thought I was running with the winning lottery ticket.)  Now this was not just any ticket, this was 4 seats ringside, as in row A seats 1,2,3,4.

Then hindsight being 20/20 I had to make a decision whether this was such a hot idea after all.  The last time we went to a large, noisy, strobe lighted event it was 2003 and we only had Jake.  It was Disney's Monsters Inc on Ice.  I dropped over $100 on those tickets and Jake (pre autism diagnoses) lasted all of 10 minutes; he was a screaming, hysterical mess and hubby my Mother and I had to concede it's not worth the hundred bucks.  Still, I remember having a faint bad taste in my mouth at the time and dare I say it ...yes...a bit of resentment towards Jake's "behavior."  Little did I know at the time he was in an absolute sensory overloaded meltdown.  Actually, the fact he made it all of 10 minutes is a testament to his profound strength really.

So fast forward to last week, there I was holding these fantastic tickets and I had a flashback to 5 years ago.  Oh God, what if he loses it again, or worse, his brother with Aspergers might lose it this time?  After all, John doesn't even like the noise of the vacuum cleaner, how the hell will he manage the band at his feet?  I was beginning to talk myself out of the trip and considered donating the tickets or flogging them in the local rag.  

It was hubby that reminded me how far Jake had come, and how surprising John could be in potentially sensory situations.  He was right of course, but my instincts were cemented in a screaming meltdown from 5 years ago.

The day arrived, and to my absolute surprise (and after lots and lots of prepping the boys) we were there, 2 feet from the ring, so close when the western riders galloped around the edge of the ring, the sawdust was spat at us with ferocity and the earthy smell of their flanks was like a rushing wind .   IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!

The boys were enraptured, thrilled and might I add particularly appreciated the farting noises by the clowns, (hey gotta have a toot skit):D  To the outsider, you would never have known they were spectrum.... except perhaps that they weren't always sure when applause was necessary or warranted.  'sok though, the clowns waved at them more than once and with a little nudge from hubby and I, the boys could wave back.  Oh yes, bring on the clowns!

Wreaked

"Wreaked!"  It's a great word.  It has s many connotations, especially for an Irish 30 something.

Wreaked: as in I wreaked the house.

Wreaked : as in "I drank so much I was fuckin' wreaked" (a personal fave when in my early '20's)

However, it's a different wreaked I need to discuss; the one where when you declare you are wreaked from pure unadulterated mental and emotional exhaustion.  I am having one of those days I fear....a "wreaked" day.

The funny thing about wreaked days is there often is no rhyme or reason why you are done in on that particular day as opposed to any other.  The routine isn't any different, the drop offs, pick ups, daily grind kind of stuff is all same old same ole.  Yet, if you really delve into the day and it's inner workings and lift the veil of routine you will always find a deeply hidden trigger for wreakedness.  With my lot it's always something to do with the 24/7 nature of parenting two spectrum kids (plus a rather hyper typical  toddler).

Today's wreakedness came upon me with sly and cunning stealth.  Instead of being done in by bedtime, I was officially done in by 6pm.  And I fear it has mainly to do with Jake's mood and general pissyness.  Now, if you understand anything about high functioning autistic individuals it's how the slightest thing can swing them from one mood to another in a nanosecond, yet the tantrum that ensues can easily go on for an hour.

Today Jake deboarded the bus and his mood was apparent before seat belts were buckled.  He is/was just flat out ornery, moody, narcissistic and the slightest mention of No invited an all out meltdown.  Here's the deal, when this was Jake 2 years ago pre gluten free diet, pre current IEP and pre current behavioral goals, it was just part of the daily living in our house.  So, after 6 months of pretty good stability to have one of those early days thrust back at me.....well, let's just say my capacity for wreakedness has diminished somewhat.    Put it this way; remember when you would be able to guzzle a 6 pack and be relatively sober ....well, this is like drinking one beer and being flat out hammered....you could even say I'm wreaked!

Yes yes, I know. I am probably one of the worst bloggers you've ever had the misfortune to cyber run into. Honestly, it's 'cause I've been playing single Mum to 3 since October, oh and a very brief stint working daycare. Technically hubby actually is still around, but when you work from 7am to 10pm, he has effectively become a polite lodger.

No more pity party though so you can all exhale now! I've just literally had the attention span of a weevil these days. Why was hubby working such insane hours? Well, we are effcetively over $40,000 in credit card debt and we were trying in earnest to pay it down. Now here's the thing about this debt. We really are modest people. We have a 5 year old hyundai (paid off), a 3 year old Kia (will be paid off in 2 years) and yes I'll concede a lovely house. However, that's not where the debt is centered; it is the toll we pay for having to have a full time stay at home parent and raising two neurologically disabled kids. I don't have the extensive wardrobe or the repaved patio or the pool to show for all this. What I do have are grocery bills, countless amounts in therapy appointments, gas for the cars etc. A house in Md that refused to sell for 15 months ...hence a nasty bridge loan; I don't recommend them.

In today's economy I know we still are truly blessed to have the house, the cars and the food in the fridge, but what we really need is some semblance of balance. The children NEED their father, I NEED my husband and he NEEDS to not worry if he is earning an early heart attack from overwork and stress. Last night we finally decided....Fuck it! Let the creditors call, let them ring 5 times in an hour and hang up once the macine gets it. We actually were handling the debt and even paying it down until all three cards jacked up the interest from 8% and 13 % to 29.9%!!!!!

Hubby was killing himself so we could deal with our respnsibilities, but when the system suddenly shifts the goal posts and expenencially raise your responsibilities without even a phonecall....screw 'em! Hubby is cutting back his over time so he can be with his family more and his wife doesn't feel like she needs to chuck herself off the top of the lovely house. Bancruptcy is imminent, but I'll take that over a dead husband and father and a grieving widow and 3 kids.

No touch the moon

So my daughter will be 2 in a few weeks.  Yes, the baby is no longer a baby; this is a hard place for me to be.  Still with her shedding the scales of infancy she is experimenting with toddler hood, individuality and her own wonderful personality.  We hear a lot of mirroring from daycare (where I also work)....." No touch.....time out Gavin (poor Gavin)......no touch the window."  Obviously there has been a lot of NO TOUCH in the young 2's room.  It's part and parcel of toddlers I know.

Still the best part was when last week, there was a glorious full moon beaming down on us as we got home after a particularly late evening.  Hannah was tired and ornery, John was tired and pissy and Jake was eager to get back to whatever electronic device had his soul at that time,,....(prolly his DS).  To calm Hannah I pointed to the moon: round, fat and shiny and tinny.  

Hannah's response...."No touch the moon!"  It evoked a bemused smile from me but I say it here, especially in light of the last few weeks we've had in this country.

Oh sweet heart, yes you can,...yes you can touch the moon and don't let anyone tell you otherwise....its not that far and it's not going to break!

My big pity party

I have been amiss in my ramblings (about 4 months of amiss actually). I have been up to my eyes in effectively being a single parent and dealing with all the ramifications of therapies, doctor's appointments and medicaid hoops (some apparently are ringed with fire...I have scars to prove it). And all before I deal with the everyday parenting stuff. Hubby has been teaching nightschool, so for a while it was me the four walls and the kids (oh and the wee dog) until about 8:15pm....THEN swim season arrived! Now it's 10:30pm before hubby emerges from the abyss. About two hours too late to help me and by that point I'm happy in my singledom and am damned annoyed he has teh audacity to appear at all...I know I'm a shite wife.

Not trying to do the woe is me part hear but I can barely keep it together when everything is as it should be and then I get whammied with needing to find a job, (8 hours each day teaching 3 year olds.....oh and with a psychotic, micro manager of a boss). Hannah gets to come with me and for free, still after 8 hours of that then retreiving my own and having to play Autism roulette each evening (ie: which one will melt down/lose it/demand the impossible/poo in his underwear....actually the latter is easy, that'll be John sigh). Well, it's then me the four walls, a lot of deep breaths and the occasional wet, snotty bawl when all are finally in bed.

I love hubby, but this swim obsession (bee there since we met) is eating into me like ringworm. At first it's just a bit annoying and itchy, then it's downright irritating and finally I want to claw it out with a red hot butter knife (the steakknives are in the dishwasher...that btw: doesn't work).

OK, enough with the pity party, I need to get my ass in gear for yet anohter day with spolied upper middle class 3 year olds....and worst of all their spoiled upper middle class parents.

We appear to be surviving the gluten free experience.  Jake hasn't really noticed and even tried an entire kernel of corn today.  He had the brilliant notion if he forked it into his gf nugget and smothered it in ketchup he wouldn't spontaneously combust, and nope, not even a spark.  Baby steps and all-I hold onto the fire extinguisher just in case.

Hubby had become the bread czar and is faithfully slaving over loaf pans to "perfect" his various gf bread recipes.  I feel it may be a while before much is actually perfected, but I adore his dedication and commitment nevertheless.  

I am in a strange place these days.  I have been a sahm for 3 years now (right about when Jake was diagnosed with early onset bipolar later to be followed with ASD and adhd).  I used to be a teacher....5 years teaching private middle schoolers in suburban DC; an experience to say the least.  So I've been home with the kiddos these last few years and although it's not exactly been a picnic all the time I think my being home has gleaned more for the kids than if I had remained as a teacher full time.  

Well you've all see the economy and hubby is now all gung ho for me to return to work, and to placate his desires I actually applied to be a paraprofessional in the school system here.  In true form  to personal offices I have heard very little and have been told repeatedly by those in the know to expect a phonecall the day before school starts.  I have a deposit down for a great daycare, and John is starting Kindy. On paper it appears to be a great time to do this.  

Yes yes, reality bites, blah blah blah.  I do NOT want to go back yet.  I know I have explained time and again to hubby about the added extras I do that seem so trivial that can eat up an entire morning or afternoon (medicaid waivers, therapy appointments, insurance fights.)  How the hell do I get all these "incidentals" accomplished and be away from the house 8 hours a day; then add on commuting between two school and a day care to gather young uns up once my day is over.  btw: aftercare for Jake is a non starter.  I suspect hubby thinks my being distracted by anything other than autism, diets, medication, therapies is a good thing.  He is a sweet man who is a true to life science teacher and wants to "fix" my issues.  Not sure that adding more stress to my life will reach his desired effect though.  So here I leave you, in limbo; having done all I can do and hoping against hope no one calls me and come August 4th I will be jobless and happy.  I need one more year to get Jake and John through another academic year and another year with me angel girl.